Running Doldrums

I have once again been bitten by a lack of motivation and desire.  Since Bighorn, something has been a little off.  I just have not had the ability to get myself psyched up for running a bunch.  I've found it much easier lately to talk myself out of it, and when I do go running, I feel like I'm going through the motions with no real investment of emotion or love.

Elizabeth bought me a book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, by Haruki Murakami.  In one chapter, he describes his first ultra, a 62-miler in Japan.  He focuses significantly on his feeling after he finished.  At the end, he claims he was merely happy he did not have to run anymore.  There was no great sense of accomplishment or pride regarding pushing through and finishing the race.  And after, he too was listless and unmotivated.

That is exactly how I felt at Bighorn.  I was glad to be done.  Nothing more.  I still, after having time to reflect about it, am not happy with it and I still don't feel that sense of accomplishment.  None of the, "Hey, I did this!  I finished!"  I did 52 miles, and all I cared about was being done.  Then I would go out for runs in the weeks after and just feel...nothing.  It wasn't boredom per se, it was just...blah.  I could do it, I could not do it.  I was totally apathetic.

That was an issue when I went to Rainier a few weeks ago (more on that coming sometime).  One of the issues I am having is getting myself ready mentally to go do something like that.  I'm exhausted from psyching myself up to go out and run that long and that hard.  I get too easily frustrated, and until I can calm down, or teach myself to just go with it, I'm not sure the ultra races are something I really want to do.  Racing in general even; it all seems tedious to me right now.

I am trying to refocus and just go run.  And if I choose to race, it's going to be much shorter.  Physically and mentally, I do believe that my optimum racing is to be done between 10K and 30K.  Once I get over 20 miles, I am an asshole.

I did, however, run the Wyoming Race for the Cure last weekend.  A road 5K is something I've done so much that it's almost second nature and requires little to no psyching up, so that was good.  And RFTC is important to my family, considering my mother and my aunt are both breast cancer survivors.  I first ran the race in 1999, heading into my junior year of high school.  This race, always held mid-August, has been a pretty good barometer for measuring fitness coming off summer training and heading into the fall cross-country season.  This was my fourteenth RFTC.  I have missed one year, 2011, because I was a groomsman in a friend's wedding.

I wanted to help Schabby break 17 minutes.  He has run every day for nearly three years.  However, he hasn't gone sub-17 in some time, something he lamented to me on a run recently.  So, I told him I would pace him through the race and we would go under 17.  And we did.  I took him through the first mile in 5:17, and implored him to hang on.  I did lose him a little on a hill in the middle of mile two.  I hoped he had enough to hang on.  He did, eventually crossing the finish in 16:56.  Mission accomplished.

Hungry Dogs.  Old guys.  Schabby and me around mile one, with Jerry not far behind.  Photo: Gabe Floud.

Me, I got myself into a battle with a couple of 17-year old high school runners.  Both kids made their moves too soon and I was able to out kick them at the end for 6th place in 16:28.  I am getting old (this was my first race in the 30-39 age category), and I still have a lot of stupid pride left.  The kids will learn as they gain experience.  I swear, I now rely more on muscle memory and wiles than I do on fitness or skill.  If those kids keep with it, they'll figure it out.  That said, I got beat by two 24-year olds, two 19-year olds, and an 18 year old.  But I cleaned up that 30-39 division!

Now that I contradicted my first paragraphs with my last paragraph, I will end this.  I will get something written up (with PICTURES) on my Wonderland Trail experience soon.  It will be short, much like our run.  And I will continue to get out a run what I can.  It's coming back a little bit.  

Here's a song that's awesome.